The Most Ridiculous State Of The Union Address Ever

Well... that sucked.

The clock strikes 9:02, and Joe Biden isn't anywhere to be seen. I made sure I was in front of my laptop at 9 o' clock sharp, as that's the time and place any reputable news website anywhere on the internet told me to be.

For some reason, I'm nervous. Why? It's only the stupid State of the Union. Where the hell is Joe Biden?? Why isn't he on stage yet?!?! Finally, after what seemed like an eternity in only a 4-minute timespan, Joe Biden appears on the House floor at 9:04 PM, and starts shaking hands with all the scumbag politicians we all love to hate.

This is going on for awhile. Why hasn't he gotten on stage yet? Why is he making small talk with all these politicians when he's supposed to be giving the highly-anticipated State of the Union address?? This is annoying. Just get in front of the goddamn podium.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. It's 9:09 and Joe Biden still hasn't started speaking yet. He's still just shaking hands with people and all the shitbag politicians are cheering for no reason.

Finally, Joe Biden starts talking right just before the clock strikes 9:10. He starts with a joke. Something about his wife going to a football game that he's "not allowed to go to," or something. What the fuck? That's not funny. It doesn't even make sense. Why is everyone laughing?

At 9:12, Ol' Uncle Joe is still introducing people. He introduces Nancy Pelosi as the "greatest speaker of the house [we've ever had]." What the fuck? I didn't even know this bitch was still alive. Where the hell did she come from?

9:14 PM. Joe Biden is claiming that the Democucks and Republicucks are working together? On what, exactly? Starting foreign wars? Giving the American peoples' hard-earned money to Ukraine? Pretending to pardon federal marijuana offenders who weren't sitting in federal prison in the first place?? What the fuck?

9:16 PM. Joe Biden is talking about the middle class, which he hates. He's going on about rust belt factories, manufacturing moving overseas, building an economy from the bottom-up, blah blah blah, all the usual horseshit.

Joe Biden says we're at a "near-record unemployment" rate. First of all, a "near-record"? So what? Who cares about a record we haven't made yet. Second of all, these unemployment numbers are rigged, just like every presidential candidate (correctly) always claims to jab at the sitting president.

9:19PM. Joe Biden blames his and Trump's inflation problem on a "pandemic" (as if a virus could walk into the federal reserve, influence its chairperson, and print trillions of dollars) and on Vladimir Putin (who also has absolutely no control over the American central bank).

9:21 PM. Joe Biden promises the American people that the "supply chains will begin in America." Really, Uncle Joe? And how do you plan on doing that exactly? Are you going to order all American companies to manufacture their products in America? And even if that is in fact your cockamamie scheme, how do you plan on enforcing such a mandate, exactly? What a bunch of nonsense.

9:23 PM. Joe Biden claims we're gonna fix America's infrastructure. Uhhh, what?!?!? Your congress, Joe, passed the "Infrastructure Act" back in 2021, and our infrastructure still sucks ass. Are we going to pass another worthless infrastructure bill that won't actually fix our infrastructure?!! What the fuck is Joe Biden talking about?!?! "I'll see you at the groundbreaking!" exclaims Joe Biden. What a liar. What a moron.

9:26 PM. Joe Biden says something about "cowboys in the sky." What the fuck is going on here? What the fuck is this guy talking about?!!?

Joe Biden then returns to his infrastructure spiel. He claims every piece of infrastructure is going to be made here in America. Oh nice, that sounds really affordable.

Then, he claims we're going to get high-speed internet to every person in America. Is there anyone even left in America that doesn't have high-speed internet that actually wants it?? If so, how many, and where do they live exactly?!?? He must be talking about the five people that live in Grafton, New Hampshire.

9:30 PM. Joe Biden says we have a prescription drug cost problem. Okay.... That may be true. But what are you going to do about it, exactly? We've heard this same spiel about drug prices in America since the early 90s... and these shitbag politicians still haven't done anything about it. Sounds like more bullshit with no action. Joe Biden then brags about capping the cost of insulin for seniors at $35. Oh great, I forgot it's only seniors in this country that have diabetes! And wait a minute, aren't all seniors in this country on Medicare?!? Did Medicare not cover the cost of insulin before the price cap?? What the fuck is this guy talking about??

9:36 PM. Joe Biden brags about tax credits for electric vehicles. Oh nice, because that's what on the American peoples' minds right now, climate change! Not how they're going to put their next meal on the table with our biggest inflation problem in decades. It's climate change we're all worried about!!! I suppose Joe Biden thinks the American people are going to spend the food money they don't have on a $40,000 Tesla. Joe Biden's a very smart guy!!!

9:37 PM. Joe Biden says the golden buzz-sentence. Pay your fair share!!! Ya can't utter that phrase in Congress without roaring applause from every Democrat in the room!

9:41 PM. Joe Biden tells what might be his biggest whopper of the night - that he decreased the deficit by $1.7 trillion dollars!  Nice job, Joe!  Thank you so much! You lowered the deficit that was risen during a pandemic that your own party actually cheered on for three years, keeping us locked down, passing insane spending bills, and justifying it by pretending it was dangerous to children!

9:45 PM. At this point, I'm starting to get a headache from all this nonsense and disingenuousness. Oh god, please let this stupid SOTU address end soon.

9:52 PM. Joe Biden says we need more education. He claims the rest of the world has caught up to us (which he says as if it's a bad thing)! He says "12 years of education isn't enough!" Then immediately follows this remark with free pre-school. Free pre-school, Joe? How exactly is free pre-school going to prepare the American people for the work force?!? Also, instead of adding more years of socialized education, why not just modernize and improve the worthless curriculums we teach our young people in school right now?!?
This would essentially be cost-free by the way, as the currently-employed Directors of Curriculums all over the U.S. could easily do this during their 8 hour workdays. Trust me, we're never going to have that easy conversation in this country though... because it wouldn't cost any money.

10:00 PM. Joe Biden refers to Tyre Nichols as "Tyler." Jesus fuck, dude.

10:04 PM. Joe Biden says "semi-automatic pistol." Huh?? Are there any pistols that aren't semi-automatic in 2023?? Then after talking about "semi-automatic pistols" for two minutes, Joe Biden follows up his point by yelling "Ban assault weapons!" What the actual fuck??!?

10:14 PM. Joe Biden roars about big-tech "collecting data on our children!" How dare these big tech companies!?! How dare they advertise products to children?!?!  Oh wait, Mattel, Hasbro, Kelloggs, and Lisa Frank did that for generations on Nickelodeon and Joe Biden never said a fucking word about it.

10:17 PM. My vision's blurring. My head's pounding. I can't do this for too much longer. The political disingenuousness is too much for me to take.

10:19 PM. "Democracy, democracy, democracy!" says Joe Biden. But wait... oh no... democracy is being challenged.... or at least it was... on January 6th! "Hate and extremism!" yells Joe Biden. Then he asks Paul Pelosi to stand up... what the fuck?! Was Paul Pelosi even near the capitol on January 6th?? Doesn't he live in fucking California?!?! What the fuck is Joe Biden talking about right now?!! What the fuck is even going on right now??!!?



Screw this. I'm going to bed.